Cleo's Corner

Remembering Cleo

May 30, 2023 Entry

Forming New Habits

I'm finally ready to start writing this memoir for Cleo. Please forgive me, things won't be written in the order they actually happened. I'm just writing what I remember each day that I do write. It has been a rough 12 days. But God is bringing me through this. I understand that grief is actually healthy and helps to recover from a death. But it has been painful. I have had to re-pattern my life a bit, because as soon as I would  get out of bed each morning, for 9 years, 3 months and 3 days, I couldn't wait to let Cleo out of her bedroom. And she would usually be at the bedroom door waiting for me to open it, meowing, anxious to see us as well. 

We started putting her in her own room each night as soon as we adopted her so that we all would be safe - we wouldn't trip over her and she wouldn't be stepped on in the dark. This was habit for her too. She would not go to bed until we told her, "night-night" and petted her, blew her kisses, and shut her bedroom door each night. 

But each day, as soon as we would let her out of her room, she was with one of us about all day long. She would sit nearby as I read my devotions each morning, worked on my computer, did laundry, cleaned house. The sweet little thing even helped me clean house on Friday, May 12th. I had just finished 12 hours of transcribing that morning and started cleaning house afterwards. I cleaned the blood and snot from her nose off the backdoor glass. And she mocked me, acting like she was cleaning that same area, and she looked at me as she did it. Of course, I praised her for cleaning the back door so well.  As I vacuumed, she sat on the piano stool and watched. She didn't run from the loud noise of the vacuum cleaner. She just wanted to be near me as I cleaned. She was pretty active that day, so I suppose the pain had eased up a bit. This was giving me hope that perhaps everything was going to be okay and she was going to beat whatever this was that had been plaguing her for nearly 6 months - possibly longer as I think back.

2 tealights in Cleo's bedroom window

Now that she's gone, my new habits involving her room include turning on 2 tealight candles at dusk and before dawn. I still tell her "night-night" as I enter her room to turn off the tealights before bedtime and I blow her a kiss as I leave the room. I also still go to her room when I get up and tell her good morning and turn those tealights on if it's still dark when I get up in the morning. And I turn them off after the sun is up for the day. I carry her tin of cremains around sometimes so that she's still with me during our favorite activities. When her cremains aren't with me, I sit her with the Jesus figurine we have sitting on our fireplace hearth. She used to enjoy sitting by that figurine when she was alive too. She's in His care now. No more pain. That makes me smile.

I hope this doesn't sound like I have completely gone crazy. I haven't. This is just how I'm coping with her death as it is still fresh, and I'm still very sad and miss her so. One of my favorite quotes as I think about Cleo is:

You were my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye.

June 1, 2023 Entry

This morning, as I was meditating after my daily devotions, my thoughts continued to take me to the loss of Cleo. I keep thinking that all this crying and hurt over a cat is so silly. But God reminded me that she was a gift to us from Him. And He's happy that we love her so much. Our younger son, A, won't let us refer to her in the past tense, because she is etched into our hearts, meaning she is still present. God has promised that this deep hurt, watered with our tears will eventually bloom into something beautiful and useful for His work. 

This wound is still fresh after losing her only 14 days ago. I think I have broken heart syndrome (Takotsubo cardiomyopathy is the clinical name). My heart feels weak at times with a tinge of pain and I get short of breath, especially during the activities I knew Cleo enjoyed, at bedtime, and in the mornings when I have to walk towards her room. When I Googled "broken heart syndrome", these are symptoms that occur "following severe emotional or physical stress". Cure time takes about 2 months. 

Below is a sweet memory from April 28, 2019 at 2:39 p.m. It was laundry day and Cleo was playing in the empty laundry baskets.

Cleo playing in the laundry basket

Perhaps not just yet, but some day, we will reap what we have sown.

This is a quote from the June 1st devotion from Faith's Checkbook by Reverend Charles H. Spurgeon. 

And from my June 1st reading from God Calling edited by A.J. Russell:

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, for those who are called according to His purpose. ~ Romans 8:28

Writing these entries is very helpful therapy for me. And I hope it is somehow helpful for whoever reads this. Please know that this grief, this pain from your loss is part of the healing process. It will pass and one day, you will be able to help someone else recover from a loss, grief, or other painful experience.